Whether I like it or not, I’m in the happiness business.
Meet Mrs. B: “Dr. Elghammer, my daughter is sad and depressed. Her boyfriend got angry and hit her. Her black eye has healed, but her heart still throbs with pain.”
Meet Mr. A: “I’m not sure I want to live anymore. My wife decided, after 21 years of marriage, that she was no longer in love with me.”
Meet Cleo: “Five failed marriages. The first got me away from my abusive father. The second got me away from the first. Numbers 3 and 4, well, leopards don’t change their spots — both were abusive. The fifth was the real thing. I was in love with Marc Anthony. Handsome, rich, powerful. But Marc only loved one thing, himself. What am I doing wrong in my relationships?”
Each working day, I see children, families, teenagers, couples — only on rare occasions do I get the joy of meeting cats and dogs, or turtles and mice; kids sometimes sneak in a pet ... Sorry, where were we?
As much as I’d like to approach my profession like a carpenter — sketch out the project, buy lumber, saw, and build — my job requires the exhausting task of thinking. Why so much thinking? Each patient I see is unique, and the emotional wounds they carry are invisible. So, do you think it’s a good idea if I set up a formula to help my patients find happiness? OK, I’ll try.
My mother taught me how to cook, and by age 12, I had mastered many culinary achievements. At 16, she gave me the book, “The Joy of Cooking.” Using her teachings, I’m going to give you “The Joy of Living.”
Recipe 1: Happiness
Happiness has four basic ingredients.
1. To be happy, you must first be alive. Pinch yourself. “Ouch” is proof you are alive.
2. Awareness. If you are not aware of the gifts life has bestowed, you cannot be happy. Because awareness is such a tricky concept, I’ve asked for help from Cleo (yes, you’ve already met her, five marriages ago).
3. Uncontaminated belief systems. Happiness is a seed capable of
growing, but only if planted in soil uncontaminated by poison. Is your soil (your mind) free from poison (negative beliefs about yourself)? Do this to find out: Think of a close friend and examine how you treat them. Are you kind, generous and willing to help them? Now compare how you treat your friend with how you treat yourself. Are they equal? If not, you likely have negative beliefs such as, “I’m too fearful of allowing anyone to get close to me — they always leave or hurt me.”
4. Happiness is a by-product created by the relationships forged in life. Relationships come in many shapes and sizes: family, friends, spiritual, nature. The deeper your relationships are, the deeper your sense of wellbeing.
Cleo comes to Chicago. “Now, I’d like to introduce Cleopatra, Queen of the Nile, who has traveled from 40 BC Egypt to 2012, Chicago’s Magnificent Mile, Bloomingdale’s Mall.” She is petite, pixie-like, 5 foot 2 inches, lustrous raven hair, emerald eyes and a striking body.
“Please, call me Cleo. As you can see from my shopping bags, I love Chicago! But I’m curious. This movie I bought called, “Cleopatra,” has Richard Burton playing Marc Antony. Richard Burton is not my type. Also, this song I purchased, “Walk Like an Egyptian.” Egyptians don’t walk like that, and what gives with all the mummy movies?”
“But let’s get serious. First, I am 16. If I live to be 32, I’m considered old. You however, have a life expectancy of 85. You get to live 50 more years than I do. Is this not a gift? Second, my fastest horse goes 37 mph. Your airplanes go 2,000 mph. Third, If I break a leg or get sick, I could easily die. You can get new legs, hearts, and medicine to cure you. Another gift.
A crowd member asked Cleo, “If you had all of our 21st century gifts, would it make you happy?” “No,” Cleo replied. “For me to be happy, I have to find out why I am unable to form deep relationships. For without someone to share my life, I’m alone and unfulfilled.”
Conclusion: Cleopatra will eventually be diagnosed with a personality disorder, which has destroyed her relationships. More to come on personality disorders next week.
The content of this article is for educational purposes only, and should not be used as a substitute for treatment by a professional. The characters in this story are not real. Names and details have been changed to protect confidentiality.
Dr. Richard Elghammer contributes his column each week to the Journal Review.
