One of the most difficult jobs adults face is becoming a good parent. There are reasons for this:
1. Parenting our children is, for most of us, the single most important job we will ever do. So, parents tend to have sky-high expectations. Unfortunately, we rarely live up to our own goals, and, due to this, we often feel frustrated with how we rate ourselves as parents.
2. Few adults have ever had any formal courses or training on parenting. Unlike the driver’s education class, we all take, there is no single manual or behind-the-wheel parent training program to teach us how to be a great parent.
3. Since we were all children once ourselves, our parenting is heavily influenced by the positive or negative experiences we had as a child. Usually, it works like this: If a child experienced a harsh or abusive up-bringing, their parenting style tends to be the opposite. That is, as a grown adult, they move to a more lenient parenting position. In the opposite case, where a child grew up with little parenting or un-involved parents, that child, once they become a parent, tends to be insecure and unstructured in their parenting.
4. The society or culture our children currently live in is vastly different from the one we experienced. Basically, today’s culture is scary and confusing to most parents. We have had little exposure, growing up, to the violence, sexuality, or dangers, our children face in today’s culture.
Now that you realize how hard it is to be a good parent, let’s do some training.
Parent Training:
Let’s start with a single exercise taught to me by a psychologist and teacher, Dr. Russell Barkely. This exercise will give parents a basic framework for creating a healthy relationship with their children.
Step #1: Think back in your life and identify the very worst boss, or supervisor, you ever had. Then, make a list of all the specific things this “bad boss” did to you. Here are common answers: 1. Never said ‘thanks’ for a job well done. 2. Was moody, irritable, or just plain nasty. 3. Treated me with little respect. 4. Lacked skills and knowledge. 5. Had favorites. 6. Dishonest. 7. Inconsistent, changed directions too much. 8. Promises never kept. Now rate this “bad boss” on a 1 to 100 scale (1=Bad, 100=good).
Step #2: Answer this question: What effect did your “bad boss” have on your motivation and your self-esteem? Answer: Motivation and self-esteem go down with a “bad boss”. That is, a bad boss causes you to not try harder on the job, and to feel like no one cares about you or respects you.
Step #3: Now, look back on your life and identify the “Best Boss” you ever knew. Here are some common answers: 1. Rewarded me for a job well done. 2. Kind 3. Honest 4. Consistent 5. Fair 6. Knowledge of his job 7. Treated me with respect. 8. Took time to help me.
Step #4: Rate the “Good Boss” on a 1 to 100 scale, then answer this question: What effect did your “Good Boss” have on your motivation and self-esteem? The answer — The “Good Boss” made you look forward to going to work (increased motivation) and increased your self-esteem (you were proud of the work you did).
Step #5: Now, I want you to rate yourself as a supervisor for your own children. How did you score? Are you a “good boss” to your children?
This exercise helps us, as parents, to never forget that our relationships with our children come from how we treat them. Without a good relationship with our children, the other parent skills (discipline, problem solving, taking responsibility) are very hard to achieve.
The content of this article is for educational purposes only, not treatment.
Dr. Richard Elghammer contributes his column each week to the Journal Review.
