Up Close With Dr. E

Confrontation can drive healthy relationships forward

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In the movie, Annie Hall, the actor Woody Allen makes the following statement to Annie (played by Diane Keaton): “A relationship, I think, is like a shark. You know? It must constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.”

Sharks, using their powerful tail, propel themselves forward so their gills can extract oxygen from the seawater. If the shark stops moving, oxygen levels drop and the fish is in danger of dying. What is the human equivalent of the shark’s tail, which keeps relationships moving forward?

Its name is: confrontation without anger.

In today’s column, you will see how confrontation creates growth by moving relationships to a higher and more complex level which, in turn, re-energizes the relationship.

Here’s your outline:

Dead Shark 1: “We never argued.”

Dead Shark 2: “We argued daily.”

Living Shark: The Olsen family learns new skills in confrontation.

Dead Shark 1: Bill Smith said, “After 24 years of marriage, I woke up one morning and found this note: “Dear Bill, I’ve left you and divorce papers are in the mail. Connie.”

“Did you two get into arguments,” Dr. Wilson asked? “No,” Bill muttered. “That’s the puzzle, we never fought. I’d let her pick the restaurant or movie. She never got upset, even when I drank too much.”

What killed this relationship? Unsolved problems built up due to the lack of confrontation.

Dead Shark 2: “We argued daily.” Meet Sheila and Steve, divorced after three years. This relationship fits the joke told by Phyllis Diller, about high conflict couples who argued at bedtime: “Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight!” And that is exactly what this couple did: Fights about in-laws, money, sex — anger destroyed their marriage.

Alive Shark: Healthy confrontation. Jim and Jenny Olsen have one child, Lexi, 18, who just finished a brutal first semester of college. Her academic advisor, a research scientist who hated teaching, told her she had to take physics, chemistry, calculus, German and research methodology. Eighteen hours for a new freshman. Set up for failure, Lexi was buried in an academic avalanche.

Lexi told her mother about her decision not to return to college. Two days after New Year’s, she told her father.

“What? You dropped out?” he roared. “Let her talk, Jim,” Jenny
said.

“Dad, I’m going to get a job.”

“Job, you had a job — it’s called COLLEGE!” he screamed.

Lexi yelled back, “You’re a terrible dad!”

Jim said, “OK, Lexi, 18-year-old adult Lexi, get out of my house and go find your own place to live.”

Jenny exploded on Jim, “I’m signing those divorce papers tonight, and you, Jim, are leaving my house!”

That night, Lexi took a handful of pills. Twenty minutes later, she rushed to her mother’s side, “Mom, I’ve done something really stupid.”

After Lexi’s brief hospitalization, Dr. Wilson began to teach the skills of healthy confrontation.

Step #1: We’re going to use the speaker-listener technique. To designate who is the speaker, I’m going to put this book on the floor by the speaker’s feet. When the speaker is done talking, the listener will be asked to summarize or paraphrase what the speaker just said. If your summary matches what the speaker said, someone else becomes the speaker. If your summary is incorrect, the speaker repeats what was said, until it is accurately heard. No one interrupts the speaker.

Step #2: Never use “you” statements. For example, “You are a terrible dad.” Use “I” statements instead, like “I was hurt when you said I had to leave home.”

“Lexi,” Dr. Wilson asked, “How about being the speaker?” Lexi smiled, “Sure.”

“Dad, that night when I took the pills, I was so afraid of letting you down — which I did at college — I wanted you to hold me, so I could tell you how worthless I felt. I’ve never felt like I was good enough for you — I’m so sorry I took pills.”

Her father paraphrased her: “Lexi, I heard your fear of disappointing me, and your wish I’d hug you. I heard your belief that you were never good enough for me.”

Having correctly summarized Lexi’s statements, Mrs. Olsen became the speaker.

“Jim, I don’t want a divorce, it’s just that your anger is so strong, how can Lexi and I get close to you?”

Jim summarized: “Jenny, I heard you don’t want a divorce, but my anger is like a wall and you and Lexi can’t get close to me.” Jim became the speaker.

“Lexi, I bark like a rabid dog, but it’s just anger. I cover my worries and fears with a blanket of anger. Every day I worry about you both.”

Dr. Wilson spoke: “Your family is deeply devoted to you; do you know that Jim?” “My head knows it,” Jim said, “It’s my heart that’s the problem.”

Lexi jumped up and planted the palm of her hand directly over her father’s heart. “Dad, feel that thump? That means you’re alive, so listen: Me, Mom, we’d die for you. Do you believe me?”

Jim felt an emotional shift, which pushed him forward, away from his isolation. “Yes, Lexi, I believe you.”

Conclusion: Who has the power to stop the wind from blowing?

Still the waters from flowing,

Cut off the green thumb of growing, or arrest the “thump,” the heartbeat of loving?

Accept it or not, change is upon us. For like sharks, we must constantly move forward.

The content of this article is for educational purposes only, and should not be used as a substitute for treatment by a professional.  The characters in this story are not real. Names and details have been changed to protect confidentiality.

References:

1. Dr. Mardy Grothe, pg. 140, “I Never Met a Metaphor I Didn’t Like,” 2008, Harper Collins.

2. Phyllis Diller, U.S. writer and comedienne. Page 17, The Macmillan Dictionary of Quotations, 2000, Chartwell Books.

3. “Fighting for your Marriage,” by H. Markman.

 

Dr. Richard Elghammer contributes his column each week to the Journal Review.


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