“To Jaw-Jaw is better than to War-War.” This quote by Winston Churchill, British Statesman, opens the door to today’s article — Good communication skills (Jaw-Jaw) stops the destruction of relationships (War-War).
Part one: Raise your weapons.
Mandy Moore and Matt Bernhart are planning their wedding. No, it’s more like Mandy and her mother are planning the wedding. No, it’s Matt’s mother, Sara Bernhart (AKA Diamond Sue) who has highjacked the wedding.
First blood was drawn when Diamond Sue declared, “the reception must be held at the country club.” Mandy’s father, an electrician, had reserved the union hall for the reception dinner. Unlike Matt’s family, owners of Bernhart Mercedes Dealership, Mandy’s family could not afford a country club soiree. The closer the wedding day, the thicker the tension grew between the betrothed.
And then, War-War.
“Matt,” Mandy snapped, “Your mother is destroying my wedding!” Matt shot back, “I thought it was our wedding.” Mandy bristled, “Diamond Sue is destroying our wedding, and you’re too chicken to confront her.”
Matt barked, “My mother is controlling, but why can’t you bend just a little?” Mandy stepped closer to Matt and struck his chest hard with her right fist – “Bend?” she roared. “Like I bend down and kiss Diamond Sue’s feet, or I bend the truth about that girl you kissed two days after we were engaged?”
Matt grabbed her hand, bent it back and screamed, “Face it Mandy, you don’t love me — you love having power over me.”
“You’re hurting me,” Mandy yelped. Matt released his grip. Mandy stepped back and with a voice of steel said, “I hate your mother, I hate the silver spoon she stuck in your mouth, I hate this 3-carat ring she gave to you, but more than anything else, I hate a spineless man!” Mandy slipped off her engagement ring, dropped it on the floor and stomped on it. “The wedding’s off,” she shrieked.
The next day, Matt got up and checked his emails and social media. What he saw chilled his blood. His best friend posted, “How can you be so abusive to Mandy? I told her to get a restraining order against you.” As Matt waded through the mound of hostile emails, he knew he needed help. He called Dr. Wade, a psychologist, who had a 1:00 pm opening.
Part two: A plan for peace.
Dr. Wade asked, “Has Mandy ever called the wedding off before?” Matt said, “Yes, twice before.” Dr. Wade continued, “When she called it off, who did the work to repair the relationship?” Matt replied, “I did, Mandy never believed she had done anything wrong.”
Dr. Wade said, “Many couples like you have an unhealthy power dynamic — the one who threatens to leave holds the most power. In healthy relationships, power is equally shared, and both work together to fix problems.” Matt asked, “What can I do?” Dr. Wade replied, “I going to teach you the skill of confrontation.” “I hate confrontation,” Matt said. “Everyone hates confrontation,” Dr. Wade said, “They believe — wrongly — that confrontation contains anger. Confrontation is like rain for a forest: essential for growth. It begins with the word, “I.” For your mother, try saying, “I am upset over your demand that the dinner be at the country club – Mandy and I are the ones to make that decision.”
“What do I say to Mandy?” Matt asked. “Well,” Dr. Wade said, “That’s going to take some work.”
Part three: Lower your weapons.
Matt drove Mandy to Forest Glen, a nature preserve. As they hiked, Matt spied a huge fallen tree. He jumped up on its trunk, snatched Mandy’s hand and drew her up beside him. “Mandy, I love you, but after you threatened to leave, I lost that secure sense that you’d always be at my side.” Mandy replied, “I promise I will never again threaten to leave, but I need you to grow a spine and protect me.” Matt smiled, “how’s this for spinal growth — I told my mother if she didn’t stop meddling, she couldn’t attend the wedding.”
Mandy burst into tears. “I said terrible things to you, can you forgive me?” “Sure,” Matt said as he leapt off the trunk, bent down on his knees and while holding up a small ring asked, “Let’s start all over — Mandy, will you marry me?”
“Hmmm,” she giggled. “That depends on what kind of man you are.” He put the ring on her finger and replied, “I’m your man.” The small diamond caught the light, bending it into a prismatic arc. The glen grew silent, the trees held their breath, the clouds above unfurled, as light spilled down, creating shimmering golden puddles upon the forest floor.
The reception was held at the union hall, but Mandy asked Diamond Sue to decorate. Diamond Sue transformed the hall into a palace. Live trees were placed around the hall, and tiny lights on the branches glittered like diamonds. Inside, three elegant ice sculptures of swans, sparkled from thousands of diamond chips implanted in the ice (she wasn’t called Diamond Sue for nothing).
Conclusion:
Sheath your swords, reject all acts of war — an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth – and practice the language of peace: eye-to-eye, truth-to-truth. In place of a battleground, find the middle ground, where kindness and love are shared by and for each other. The end.
The content of this article is for educational purposes only and should not be used as a substitute for treatment by a professional. The characters in this story are not real. Names and details have been changed to protect confidentiality.
References: “Fighting for your Marriage,” Markman, 2010.
Dr. Richard Elghammer contributes his column each week to the Journal Review.
