Every time I pick up a newspaper or listen to the news, I am reminded about how our economy is in such a mess. So, it was a great surprise when I saw the following job advertisement in the Global Times:
IMMEDIATE JOB OPENINGS: 25,000 positions open in Vermilion County, Illinois, and Montgomery County, Indiana.
WANTED: Parents for children
SALARY: 2 cents per hour (a one-year deduction from your income taxes.)
HOURS: 24 hours per day, 7 days a week, lifetime position. Once you accept, you cannot resign.
JOB REQUIREMENTS:
Must have been a child themselves (no exceptions) and have clear memories of the following:
• the beauty of the first time you saw a rainbow.
• the magic and mystery of your first Disney movie.
• the awe and power of the first snowstorm, which closed your school.
• the smell of cookies baking in your mother’s oven.
• the feel of the security, warmth and love of your mother’s hugs.
2. Must be fluent in all basic children’s languages (grunting, coo’s, monosyllables, pig Latin).
Note: Need not be fluent in adolescent languages, since they rarely speak more than: DUH, DUDE OR WHASUP?
Must be able to pass all parts of a physical examination:
• while holding a nine-pound weight in left hand, must perform basic tasks (open doors, flush toilet, answer phones.)
• sprinting-able to catch fast moving objects (three rabbits in an enclosed yard, in 10 minutes).
• exposure to bodily fluids. Must tolerate baby fluids (pee, poop, spit-up).
4. All parts of the physical exam will be tested under conditions of sleep deprivation.
5. Must have basic skills in child bathing and feeding, with experience in the use of technology
(Able to float a rubber ducky, able to blow soap bubbles, how to spoon food into a closed mouth.)
6. Must have knowledge of medical diseases of children. Being able to distinguish real disease from look-alike disease. Example: Distinguish between measles on a 4-year-old boy, vs a second boy with red spots on his face who is just learning how to eat with a fork.
7. Must have skills in PPMA (permanent positive mental attitude); LJG (laughing, joking, goofiness,) and be well versed in TCFA (the creation of fun activities) such as making a blanket tent, magic tricks and kite flying.
8. Must have taken a class in Parenting 101: Non-electronic parenting. How to raise kids without computer games, Wii’s, or cell phones, by mastering the skills of bike-riding, fishing, snowball fights and fort building.
9. Do not apply if you have any of the following:
• MAI — moodiness, anger, irritability
• SSP — sustained, selfish personality
For most parents, raising their children is both the most difficult and the most rewarding activity of their lives. The goal for all parents is this: Try to do a better job, in parenting your children, than your parents did for you. Then, your kids can do a better job than you — and so on, until 500 years from now we finally accomplish our dream of having every child raised in a loving, stable and healthy home.
Dr. Richard Elghammer contributes his weekly column to the Journal Review.
