Karen’s shoulder length golden-brown hair, dazzling smile and glittering amber eyes form a portrait of an attractive, smart and well-educated woman who earns a good salary as a nurse. But, Karen is suffering from a crushing sadness which squeezes the last drops of hope from her heart, leaving her hollow and alone.
Why is she so sad, you ask? Here’s why. It is just now dawning on her that her five-year marriage to her husband, David, is falling apart. When she commands her brain to wrap around this new nugget of knowledge — my marriage is over — her mind resists and fights back by re-directing her thoughts to a happier place ...
Golden-brown curls flutter like swirling butterflies around 6-year-old Karen’s head as the salty sea breeze caresses her hair. Karen giggles and returns a smile to her mother who is sitting beside her on the beach. They are building sand castle ten feet from the ocean’s edge, where muscular waves pound and churn up shoreline sand. Karen and her mother are building a large castle, complete with high perimeter walls, towers, and a deep moat. At the precise moment their castle is completed, a monster wave crashes upon the shore, and like a miniature tsunami, it engulfs the castle, reducing it to a lump of wet sand.
Karen reacts to her childhood memory, first by asking the question, “Where was my dad on that vacation?” She next releases an outpouring of crying. Her tear stained cheeks confirm the reality she no longer can deny: “I married the wrong man.” Today’s article will examine the reasons why many women select and marry the wrong man.
Let’s start by looking at how computer dating services, like E-Harmony, work. You first take a personality test, which is combined with a lot of facts about you. This generates what I call a dating profile. Next, the e-service will connect you with men who are a match to your dating profile. Do e-dating services work? Yes, but not in the way you might think. The real power of these dating services, it seems to me, is their ability to connect you to thousands of men you would never, on your own, be able to meet.
So, am I saying the answer to all your dating troubles can be solved with an e-dating service? No. Here’s why. I believe women possess a unique skill which can never be duplicated by a machine. When a woman meets a man, and takes enough time to learn about him, a very specific event occurs: her gut reacts to see if there is “chemistry.” Chemistry is a developmental skill which is designed to accept or reject potential male mates. Here is how it develops: 1. The understanding of male/female relationships begins in childhood. 2. The father or father figure of a young girl, serves as her model or template, and forms the basis of how she will view all male/female relationships. 3. The way her father treats her own mother adds depth to a young girl’s belief about what the difference is between a “good man” or a “bad man.” 4. If a young girl’s father is absent, abusive or emotionally detached, developmental consequences will include multiple failed relationships with the “wrong man.”
In effect, the dating profile for a 12-year-old girl is built by her own personal experiences with her father. To drive home how critical these developmental concepts are, take a look at the following research findings (taken from Meg Meeker’s book, “Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters”): 1. Six-month-old babies score higher on tests of mental development if their dads are involved in their lives. 2. Girls whose fathers provide emotional caring achieve higher academic success. 3. Girls with doting fathers are more assertive. 4. Daughters who perceive their father cares about them, and who feel connected to them, have fewer suicide attempts, depression, substance abuse and unhealthy weight. 5. Girls with involved fathers are twice as likely to stay in shape. 6. A daughter’s self-esteem is best predicted by her father’s caring. 7. Girls with good fathers are less likely to flaunt themselves to seek male attention. 8. Girls with involved fathers wait longer to initiate sex and have lower rates of teen pregnancy. 9. Fathers help daughters become more competent, more achievement-oriented and more successful.
So, let’s put it all together. If a girl has a healthy relationship with a loving father, she has a much better chance of selecting a good man who can love her, marry her and help raise her children. To close today’s article, allow me to re-write the ocean scene at the beginning of this column: Karen and her mother are building a large sand castle. Before they finish, Karen’s father comes up and, using boards he has found, he places them in front of the castle, in a V-shape, which protects the castle from attack. A monster wave crashes upon the shore but, is unable to knock down the castle’s defenses. Nice job Dad!
The content of this article is for educational purposes only, and should not be used as a substitute for treatment by a professional. The characters in this story are not real. Names and details have been changed to protect confidentiality.
Dr. Richard Elghammer contributes his column each week to the Journal Review.
