To form healthy relationships, basic skills such as empathy, and the ability to read the emotions of others, must first be developed. A common explanation for a deficit of these skills is a condition known as Personality Disorders (NPD). I call NPD’s, “Emotional Blindness.”
Today’s column examines three causes of PD’s: genetics, trauma and toxic parenting. You are about to meet a child named Burt, who will face all three of these causes. You first met Burt in last week’s article, as an adult.
By connecting the dots between Burt’s early development and his full-blown adult PD, a powerful truth emerges- no longer are PD’s a mystery; they can now be successfully treated. Ready for today’s story?
At half past midnight, a nine-year-old boy named Burt was jolted out of sleep by a piercing scream. “Help!” He exploded out of bed, dashed down the long, dark hallway, where he spied light spilling out from the kitchen.
He inched forward on tiptoes, until his bare feet felt the cold chill of the kitchen tiles. What he saw next raked his mind with terror: his father had seized his mother by the throat and was strangling her.
“You’re killing her!” Burt yelled. Smack! Down she fell, like a sack of potatoes. In a rage, Burt’s father kicked her in the stomach. Burt launched his body between them, forming a protective shield. The kitchen door slammed as his father stormed out.
Burt cradled his mother’s head in his lap. “Breathe, Mommy. Please God, don’t let her die.”
This horrific event was the turning point for Burt’s entire life. How so? Burt had been born into a vortex of violence. His father, Dusty, would drink too much, lose his temper and beat his wife. In turn, she would call the police and have him removed from the home. A few weeks later, she would take him back.
But now, something new had occurred: Burt had become his mother’s protector, and this new role turned the mother/child relationship upside down.
Burt was forced to emotionally separate from his mother, and at the age of nine, carry the heavy burden of keeping her safe. Is there anything worse than a lost childhood? Unfortunately, there is, and here it comes.
Unbeknown to Burt, an insidious change in his mother had begun. Like taking a daily teaspoon of rat poison, the beatings had a cumulative effect on his mother. She began having “bad days,” where her emerging clinical depression kept her unbathed and bed ridden. Gone was the mother who made chocolate chip cookies, who read “Goosebumps” at bedtime, who kissed her son on the forehead and tucked him in at night. She began a toxic parenting pattern: on a “good day” she called Burt her little angel. On a “bad day,” she’d scream, “you’re the devil’s child.”
Caught in a whipsaw world, the bond of trust between Burt and his mother shattered. Alone, Burt’s heart filled with rage. How would Burt survive?
Like a soldier fighting behind enemy lines, Burt developed protective armor: Don’t trust, don’t get close, and don’t feel. His battle plans were become special, be admired. Burt’s offensive weapons (acquired in adulthood) were stockpile cash, gain power and stay in the limelight.
30 years later: In last week’s column, you learned Burt, 39, was the owner of a dozen car dealerships. How did he amass such wealth? He found and married a girl in college who was shy, naïve and whose father owned car dealerships. Burt exploited his wife and began a long string of sexual affairs. His appetites for fame, power and money became insatiable.
Burt has a subtype of PD, called Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). The word “narcissistic” means someone who only loves himself. So, let’s put it all together.
What causes PD? The “Two Hit Theory” states that NPD is caused by the collision between two factors: Hit 1: Abnormal Genes (inherited and passed down). Hit 2: Toxic parenting and trauma.
Children exposed to traumas have their development disrupted. Toxic parenting forces the child to craft survival skills which will be carried into adulthood. The Two Hit Theory also states that PD can’t be caused by one hit alone. It takes both.
Conclusion: You have just finished learning about the causes of NPD. Think about this final point. What is the cost of one bar of soap? How many lives can this bar save? There was once a time in history when battlefield surgeons did not wash their hands between patients. Why? Before the microscope was invented, germs could not be seen. Therefore, they did not exist. When the microscope revealed the presence of bacteria, “Germ Theory” was developed and handwashing with soap became an established medical procedure.
By substituting the “Two Hit Theory” for “Germ Theory,” and “good parenting” for “a bar of soap,” let me ask you this: How many lives are saved from the ravages of psychiatric illness by one pound of good parenting?
Breakthroughs in neuroscience have proved that most psychiatric disorders begin in childhood. Good parenting helps to prevent these disorders from emerging.
The content of this article is for educational purposes only and should not be used as a substitute for treatment by a professional. The characters in this story are not real. Names and details have been changed to protect confidentiality.
References: 1. “Understanding Personality Disorders,” Dr. Shannon, 2012. 2. “Fatal Flaws – Disorders of Personality,” Dr. Yudofsky, 2005. 3. “Cognitive Therapy of Personality Disorders,” Br. Beck, 2007.
Dr. Richard Elghammer contributes his column each week to the Journal Review.
