Today’s column is the first step of your journey into the hearts of two young children, Sam and Zoey.
As you witness the destructive power swirling within Sam and Zoey’s family, your own heartstrings will be pulled. You see, Sam and Zoey are caught between parents who are waging a bitter divorce war. As you travel deeper into the lives of these children, a horrible truth emerges: This family war, like a surgeon’s scalpel, wielded by a psychopath, has the power to slice and dice delicate and irreplaceable parts of the children’s development. Without help, Sam and Zoey are in danger of losing their childhood.
If you are one of the “lucky ones” to have never experienced the acid sting of a nasty divorce, these articles are still essential reading for you. How so? All families and family members experience harsh events such as in-law disputes, long held grudges and relationships strained to the breaking point. Part 2, “Solutions to Family War,” and Part 3, “Holiday Peace, are written for all families who hope and yearn for a small breath of harmony over the upcoming holiday season.
Part 1: The Tucker family is composed of parents, Mindy and Alan, and their two children, Sam (9), and Zoey (6). After 13 years of marriage, Alan and Mindy are divorcing. Alan accused his wife of having affairs — which she did — and Mindy accused Alan of becoming “cold and distant” — which he was.
A bitter and drawn out custody battle ended with Mindy being awarded full physical custody, while Alan was granted the usual weekend visitation — twice a month-with more time allowed over the holiday season. For the past two years, ongoing hostility between the two parents has caused a “family war.” Extended family members have been recruited into the battles with the expected blood lines dictating allegiance to their respective armies. That is, mother’s relatives backed her, father’s relatives backed him.
Where do Sam and Zoey fit in? They are stuck smack dab in the middle of no-man’s-land. Like Union and Confederate troops massing on the eve of conflict, battle lines across strategic areas of the children’s lives are being drawn up.
1. Parent-teacher conference. Here is what happened the last time Mindy and Alan were in the same room together, to discuss school with Sam’s third grade teacher. Upon hearing that Sam’s grades had dropped from A’s and B’s to C’s and D’s, Alan attacked Mindy with, “You’re never home to help Sam with his homework. You’re too busy working out every night at the gym, on your ‘gorgeous body.’” Mindy volleys back with, “Sam’s grades dropped because you broke his heart. You parade your sultry, blond girlfriend, what’s her name, Charlotte, in front of Sam and then have the nerve to tell him she will be his mother.” Mindy went on to say, “For goodness sake Alan, she even told our son she had dropped out of high school and that going to college was a waste of time!”
Well, gasoline plus flame equals explosions every time.
2. Athletic events. Here is the sad story of Zoey’s first and last basketball game. Mindy and her troops (her parents and two sisters) arrive early and sit on the front row of the home team section of the bleachers. Alan’s troops (his parents, two brothers and their families) sit directly behind Mindy. No one says “hi.” Just as the game begins, nasty hand signals are flashed by Mindy’s sisters toward Alan. Alan “accidentally” spills his jumbo size drink on the back of Mindy’s sister; yelling and shoving break out. Zoey sees the fight, she starts to cry, and her coach escorts her off the court. Game over for Zoey.
3. Visitation pick up and drop off. Yelling matches, in front of the children, break out when Alan returns the children to their mother, or when mother takes them to dad’s. Just like a reliable old clock, Zoey always has stomachaches the day before visitation with dad.
4. Holiday visitation. As the holiday season approaches, the first since the divorce, new skirmishes break out. Mindy accuses Alan of being too “rigid” — which he is, with his holiday visitation schedule. Alan accuses Mindy of “sabotaging” his time with the kids — which she does, by enrolling them in too many activities which just happen to fall on dad’s visitation days.
Realizing that the children’s lives are being ripped apart, a wise judge court-ordered counseling.
The content of this article is for educational purposes only, and should not be used as a substitute for treatment by a professional. The characters in this story are not real. Names and details have been changed to protect confidentiality.
Stay tuned to next week’s article, Part 2, “Solutions to War.”
Dr. Richard Elghammer contributes his column each week to the Journal Review.
