Today’s article is an in depth look at the main cause of marriage problems. However, to understand why marriages fail, you first need some basic education about three specific developmental events: childhood trauma/emotional injury; coping strategies/defense mechanisms; and old brain versus new brain functioning.
Let’s look at the first concept — emotional wounds/childhood trauma, or emotional injury. Emotional injury is a hard concept to understand. Unlike body wounds, emotional injury is invisible. However, if you think about extreme examples — child abuse, being exposed to traumatic violence, or the impact of parental death — then the existence of emotional injury is undeniable.
To illustrate these developmental events, I am going to bring back a story about John and Mary, two people who marry and end up separated over severe marriage conflicts.
Mary, an only child, is born into a family where her father is an angry, dictatorial parent. To make matters worse, her mother does not defend or protect her from the wrath of her father. Having to deal with an angry, rejecting, and hostile father is classified as an emotional wound, because it alters Mary’s development. Children under the age of 10 are not capable of explaining events in a logical or accurate way. Mary incorrectly believes she is causing her father’s anger. This belief system is the emotional injury.
The next concept you need to know is how children cope with emotional injuries. We call these “coping strategies or defense mechanisms.” Mary develops powerful coping strategies in dealing with her father when she says to herself, “the single most important skill for survival is to never get close to anyone, for if you do you will get burned, emotionally fried and toasted.” Emotional distance protects her from her father’s anger, and since it works, it grows into the adult coping strategy — keep separate bank accounts, never depend on a man, even your husband.
Lastly, let’s look at old brain vs new brain functioning. Old brain functions are automatic and outside of our awareness. These functions include breathing, sleeping and safety skills like the “fight or flight” reaction. New brain functions are our ability to think, reason, problem solve and keep ideas in awareness. Here’s the problem: Mary’s basic coping strategy — stay separate, depend on no one — has slipped into the old brain and is operating on auto pilot; that is, without awareness.
So, let’s put all of Mary’s development together: An angry and rejecting father, plus a non-supportive and passive mother cause an emotional injury to Mary’s development. She copes, or protects herself, by staying separate and apart from others, and by being so super-independent, she never needs to depend on anyone. Since this strategy worked as a child, it grows into an adult version. In addition, with the passage of time, her coping strategies move into the “old brain” function so she is no longer aware of them. Then along comes John.
John was born into a family consisting of his parents, and his two younger twin sisters. When John turns 8, his mother becomes sick with cancer, and before John turns 12, she dies. John’s father, stricken with loss, is unable to run the home. So, John takes over. He raises his two sisters, supports his father, and by 16, is super mature.
When John’s mother died (a traumatic emotional injury), John develops his own coping strategy: “Life’s losses can be overcome by forming caretaker relationships which bring people close.”
So, let’s see what happens when John and Mary get married.
John (create a loving relationship with Mary by being her caretaker), plus Mary, (create distance from John by being super independent) equals fight after fight after fight after fight. What do they fight about? Mary has insisted on having her own bank accounts, both checking and savings. John is offended, “Why can’t we have one account, our account?” Mary fights back: “I need my own money, why should I have to get your permission for every little thing I buy?”
Connect Mary’s need for “separate bank accounts” with her coping strategy, “stay separate, don’t depend on anyone,” and her emotional injury, being raised as if she was worthless by her father.
Connect John’s need for “why can’t we have one account, ‘our’ account?” with his coping strategy, “create closeness by taking care of others,” and his emotional injury (the early death of his mother.)
The job of mental health professionals is to make these connections. When that is done, couples realize that their arguments reflect unmet needs and unhealed wounds. The final step in marriage counseling is to teach each couple how their love can be used to help heal each other.
The content of this article is for educational purposes only, and should not be used as a substitute for treatment by a professional. The characters in this story are not real. Names and details have been changed to protect confidentiality.
Dr. Richard Elghammer contributes his column each week to the Journal Review.
