The first part of this series described how Mr. and Mrs. Tucker’s bitter divorce had created a family war and how this war had caused their two young children, Sam, 9, and Zoey, 6, to suffer.
Repeated court appearances had been unsuccessful in getting the Tuckers to agree to a cease fire. A wise judge writes a court order:
This court hereby orders Alan Tucker and his ex-wife Mindy, along with their two minor children, to begin a counseling program. The purpose of counseling shall be to stop all hostilities by the parents, and to correct the emotional damage done to each child. To accomplish this, the court grants Dr. Richard Elghammer the authority to construct a counseling program.
Counseling begins .... Prior to meeting with the children, I spent many hours individually with each parent. First, I needed more facts about the Tucker family. For example, I learned that it was true that Mindy had had an affair with her boyfriend Michael. I also found out that Alan was making plans to marry his girlfriend, Charlotte. Second, I needed to educate both parents about cognitive development (how young children think).
Treatment goal #1: Correct magical thinking. Children explain divorce in a distorted and highly personal way: “It’s my fault.” Because this belief is not rooted in reality, it is called magical thinking. Left uncorrected, it will consume the child with guilt. Zoey’s nightmares, crying and stomachaches are the symptoms of this guilt. Watch how Zoey’s magical thinking is corrected ... I started by asking Zoey, “Why do you think your parents divorced?” Zoey responds, “Well, my mommy went to the fair with another man, and my daddy got really mad. I was the reason this happened because I didn’t ask my daddy to take all of us to the fair.” I tell Zoey, “Now, listen to your mother.” I ask Mrs. Tucker, “Are Zoey or Sam the reason you got a divorce?” Mrs. Tucker, now looking deeply into the eyes of her children, replies, “Children never cause their parents to divorce. Only grown-ups can cause a divorce. Sam and Zoey, your dad and I divorced because we fell out of love with each other. You didn’t do anything to cause this, and we will always love you.”
Treatment goal #2: Allow Sam and Zoey to keep their hope about parental re-unification. To lessen the loss caused by divorce, children, like a drowning person grasping a life jacket, cling to their hope that “my parents will get back together.” Unfortunately, divorced parents, themselves battered by the divorce, wrongly believe they must tell their children the truth, that, “we will never get back together.” Here is how Sam was allowed to keep his hope alive ... I began by asking Sam, “Do you wish your parents would get back together?” He responds, “Yeah, it is like our family was smashed into pieces. I want the pieces put back together.” Father says, “Sam, Zoey, you will keep your hope that Mom and I will get re-married, maybe all the way up to your own wedding day — and that’s OK. I want you to know its OK.”
Treatment goal #3: Respect the children’s loyalty. Children remain fiercely loyal to each of their parents. When dad’s girlfriend or mom’s boyfriend enters the family ... beware. Beware because these newcomers will tread upon the sacred soil once occupied by mom or dad, in the original marriage. Here is how this goal is met. With all four family members present, I start with Sam and Zoey. “Do you kids have a favorite baseball team?” They reply, “The Cubs.” I add, “Let’s say you two are at a Cub game and they are playing the Cardinals. You would both want your team to win. You would clap and cheer for your team to win. This is called loyalty.” I continue, “You are also loyal to your mom and dad. This means that you will have a hard time — like feeling angry or bad inside if dad or mom bring home another boyfriend or girlfriend. You need to learn that it is OK if you become friends with the new people in your parent’s life.”
As the office visit ends, I feel a tug on my right pants leg. Looking down, I see Zoey’s smiling face wanting to tell me something. She whispers, “I really hate the Cubs, I am secretly a Cardinal fan, but my brother would kill me if he knew.”
When the Tuckers leave my office, I feel a tugging on my heart — two years of family war have really damaged this family. It would take a miracle to heal all their hurts.
The content of this article is for educational purposes only and should not be used as a substitute for treatment by a professional. The characters in this story are not real. Names and details have been changed to protect confidentiality. Stay tuned to next week’s article, the conclusion.
Dr. Richard Elghammer contributes his column to the Journal Review each week.
