The chilling sounds fill the home.
The piercing screams of threats and insults of worthlessness.
The echo of a hit that sends one person crashing into the furniture.
It seems like hours, and sometimes it is. But finally, the fight between the couple is over.
But the damage is already done for the children who heard more than they ever should.
“We hear over and over that the kid wasn’t hurt, the kid wasn’t screamed at or the kid wasn’t pushed,” explained Anita Byers, director of the local Family Crisis Shelter. “All of that is good, but the kid is witnessing it. And witnessing domestic violence has a lot of effects on children.”
According to the U.S. Department of Justice, children who grow up in homes where domestic violence is present are:
• 6 times more likely to commit suicide.
• 24 times more likely to be sexually assaulted.
• 67 times more likely to engage in delinquent behavior as an adolescent.
• 100 times more likely to be abusers themselves.
• 1500 times more likely to be abused or neglected.
“First and foremost,” Byers said, “they’re not in a safe environment. When you take that safety net away from a child, you hurt their development, their self-esteem and their personality. We know that children who grow up in abusive homes are much more anxious and fearful. Well you take that out into adulthood, and it’s a snowball effect. And we also know that it’s a learned behavior. So you’re either teaching your child how to be a victim or how to be an abuser.”
October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. It is a time to focus on a problem that should not be addressed privately or behind closed doors.
It is a problem that takes an entire community to solve. Because domestic violence is a problem that affects an entire community. Including this one.
“In 2015, 88 percent of our victims reside in Montgomery County,” Byers said. “This is our community. These are our neighbors, our fellow co-workers and our families. I don’t understand how people can turn a blind eye to it. I just don’t.”
And, unfortunately, the statistics are not getting any better. It used to be that one in every four women had been beaten, coerced into sex or abused in some other way at some point in her life. Now, the statistic is one in three.
Byers has seen women come to the Family Crisis Shelter that she once helped with as a youth advocate, supporting the concept that domestic violence — and victimization — is a learned behavior.
While it is always important to understand the signs of domestic violence and reach out to people in dangerous situations, organizations across the nation are beginning to focus on prevention. This means preventing domestic violence before it starts and preventing children who experience the trauma of domestic violence from engaging in dangerous behaviors themselves.
A state campaign called “Small Moments” is focusing on raising caring children and making sure they have access to safe, stable and nurturing relationships.
“Small moments make a big difference in preventing domestic violence,” Byers explained. “Notice the kids around you, whether you’re a teacher or if you’re at the park. And get involved. Please don’t go to someone’s house and become a victim yourself, but get involved.”
And a person does not have to be a professional counselor to see the effects of witnessing domestic violence. According to information the Family Crisis Shelter hands out to its victims, many children who witness domestic violence at home display emotional and behavior disturbances such as withdrawal, low self-esteem, nightmares, self-blame, aggression, fear, eating disorders and, for older children, taking on the parent/caretaker role.
“We need to be their voice because they don’t have one,” Byers said. “They’re scared. They’re confused. Their life is completely chaotic.”
And if a person just has a gut-feeling that something is not right with a child, Byers said to trust it. It would be better to report something that ends up being nothing than doing nothing for a child who needs help.
If a person does not recognize any signs of trauma in a child’s life, the nurturing relationship they build with that child will hopefully build trust at the same time.
Children are everywhere, which means the opportunities to create small moments are everywhere as well. Maybe it comes in the form of talking to a child in the store or talking to the children who run around the sanctuary at church on Sunday.
Children need to know that there are people they can turn to. That there are adults out there they can trust. And that there are people out there who can show love in a way they might not be used to. It is those moments, those relationships, those people who can change a child’s life and prevent them from becoming another statistic.
“As long as a person is breathing, there’s hope,” Byers said. “There’s a chance to break that cycle. And that’s what we want to do. We don’t want to give up hope. Ever.”
