I wish today’s column could touch your heart and put a smile on your face. But it cannot.
What is happening in our country is now in the hearts of us all, and we are afraid, and adrift in sorrow. For there is no greater loss, and no words to console the families of those who have suffered from gun violence.
Something sacred has been spilled. Something which must be restored. Each act of violence against innocent children causes the tide to grow stronger. If we do nothing, a crimson tide of violence will become a vast and endless sea.
Twenty years ago, I wrote a speech titled, “Silence the Violence.” In this talk, I summarized the most widely accepted solutions for fixing the growing problem of violence: “Schools need better security,” “Too many guns,” “Lock up violent juveniles.” My view, then and now, was to take a different approach, and journey upstream to the headwaters of violence, and find ways of preventing our youth from being violent.
So, let us get our paddles out, as we explore violence prevention. Research has shown that when a young child is repeatedly exposed to violence — at home, on TV, in their neighborhood, at school — they become de-sensitized and develop what is called, “A Mean World Syndrome” (Mary Pipher). These are kids who have lost compassion, empathy, and trust. The word I use is dehumanized.
What factors protect children from traumas or violence? Research suggests we already know the answer. The single best way to protect a child from harm due to violence is a long-term, deeply committed parent. Therefore, the best violence prevention program is a good parent. In addition, children raised in non-violent homes and who have deep bonds with parents are much less likely to use aggression.
Using research findings on violence prevention, I developed three exercises, which can deepen the parent/child bond:
Create a “Child History Book.” Buy a durable notebook and make entries for each birthday of your child. Add photos of family vacations and events. List your child’s favorite toys, animals, and foods. Put in photos of your child’s friends and teachers. Record stories about your child, as they serve as powerful reminders of your child’s unique personality.
Go to your child’s school. Make an appointment with your child’s teacher. Find the seat where your child sits, open their desk and look at the items inside. Learn the names of your child’s friends.
Watch your child while they sleep. When your child has fallen asleep, go into their room, sit down, and watch them sleep. Remind yourself how much you love them, and how you want to be a better parent.
How can we explain the fact that violence in America has become as common as apple pie and baseball? Children are not born violent. They learn how to use aggression by watching and imitating others. This means that since all violent behaviors are learned, they can be unlearned. How do we accomplish the task of unlearning?
The first step is to put on the shoes of the families who have lost a child, and ask: if my own son or daughter had been killed, what would I need to bear the burden of such a loss? You would need to find a purpose, or meaning, to explain the death.
Why do innocent children have to die? For me, the answer is clear. These children lost their lives so that the eyes of a nation could be forced open, to see the truth that violence, in any form, must be overcome. Their deaths have tipped the scale, forcing us to view children in an entirely new way:
• Remove the dividing lines used to separate my child from your child. Use a new language of “our children.”
• Stop running away from the reality of violence. We can no longer say, “Killing like that could never happen in our child’s school.”
• Never stop crying. If 300 million Americans shed their tears, then these can merge with our President’s tears, and together, the flood of tears will engulf the crimson sea, and wash it away completely.
When the serpent of violence has been de-fanged, we can mourn lost lives by honoring all the victims who led the way toward a violence-free society.
The content of this article is for educational purposes only and should not be used as a substitute for treatment by a professional.
Reference: Mary Pipher, “The Shelter of Each Other,” 1996.
Dr. Richard Elghammer contributes his column each week to the Journal Review.
