A man asked lightheartedly just before a wedding ceremony: “Preacher, do you tie a strong knot?” The immediate response, “That all depends upon what kind of rope I am given.”
Years later a woman seriously asked, “What makes a good long marriage?” The response, “Marry someone smarter than you are and have a clear division of labor, with a lot of love mixed in to smooth rough spots along the way.”
After some reflection, an additional answer came to mind, “Choose a partner who can be both a sail and an anchor for you.”
A marriage is strengthened by each person acting as sail and anchor. Sails are woven with imagination, freedom, and hope, leading to new challenges and achievements. Anchors are held by cables of imagination, responsibility and morals, leading to restraint on unwise impulses. Any relationship needs both in order to negotiate safely through calm waters and storms that life brings upon everyone.
Moving forward toward positive goals requires freedom of action and a combination of imagination and hope that guide decisions about the next steps toward flourishing. Otherwise, the status quo and hopelessness loom on the horizon. Fortunately, every couple with their sails and anchors are of different colors, sizes and shapes as they pursue personal hopes and dreams.
Some sails flutter and fail leaving sailors dead in the water. Other sails race forward, but ignorantly aim toward dangerous rocky cliffs and disaster. Some common dangers come to mind — drugs and alcohol, greed for wealth and material things, foolish deeds seeking momentary celebrity, unhealthy concern about the views of others, fundamental hatefulness, anger and violence. Those and other faults destroy marriages and the persons involved. Unfortunately, our society and peer pressure glorify reefs and cliffs and transform them into mirages of good fortune and fun.
Therefore, couples need good anchors. Anchors provide stability and security in calm water or raging storms. A famous Scottish hymn from a northern fishing village asked, “Will your anchor hold in the storms of life…when the strong tides lift and the cables strain?” Anchors are essential. How often has a person said to a spouse, “That’s a dumb idea; you shouldn’t do that; don’t take that risk; I wouldn’t do that”? Many shipwrecks have been prevented by cautionary statements and a firm anchor based on a strong moral foundation.
Good parents act as both sails and anchors for their children. They encourage children and instill imagination and courage for undertakkng new tasks. Parents establish boundaries and supports so setbacks don’t cause harm. An immigrant father was asked, “Isn’t it hard to raise a child in a culture with a different and seemingly toxic youth ethos?” He responded: “No, it is easier! We just tell our children, we don’t do that.” Of course, each tub must stand on its own bottom, and children mature with freedom to make their own decisions — for good or ill.
No one is born with either a sail or an anchor attached — just potentials. Families, religious institutions, friends, social organizations and schools need to cultivate good sails and anchors. As a last resort, governments establish some boundaries forbidding dangerous activities, but we have to confess that societal boundaries are rapidly crumbling and evaporating in the name of freedom unrestrained by responsibilities.
Many parents advise young people: “Don’t date anyone you would not consider marrying.” More broadly, the statement holds, ‘You choose your gods when you choose your playmates. Be very careful in choosing mates, especially a partner in marriage, to be sure you can trust each other to be both sails and anchors enabling abundant life.
Raymond B. Williams, Crawfordsville, LaFollette Distinguished Professor in the Humanities emeritus, contributed this guest column.
